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it's such a weird thing. you think of someone you love, you think about the memories, you think about how many times they've made you smile. and then you sit there and you realize that they're dead. it seems like all i hear about anymore is cancer. it makes me miss adam, and it makes me want him to come home. but he's not, because he's dead. he is dead. that is the strangest, least believable sentance. but it's so true, and it hurts to even look at it. people die, it's a fact of life. but it's something that i'm so confused and hurt by that i can't begin to accept it. it's bizarre, the longer you live, the more people you watch die. it's scary and i'm not sure if i'm ready to deal with it. but isn't that what's funny? you don't plan to deal with death, you don't even usually plan death. when someone you love dies, it's chatoic. you don't sit there and brace yourself and tell yourself exactly how to cope. it's human instinct. you deal. you cope. i have no fucking idea how you do it, but you cope.
i know it's incredibly fucked up, but i look forward to the next death i have to experience, because it will help me grow and help me understand life more.
maybe that's how people get so wise. they learn from other people dying.

vagina has become my acceptable response to everything.

my life is boring and totally sucks right now.
and i have insomnia.
i can't sleep without drugs/alcohol until about 5 or 6 am.

need to find someone new.